Hello, this is Dave Pelligrinelli. I am a licensed private investigator, and even though our agency deals mostly with financial fraud, infidelity and relationship fraud is another type of case we work on. That’s the way we look at it. Infidelity, or cheating, whatever you want to call it, is a form of fraud. You’re not defrauding somebody necessarily out of money; you’re defrauding them out of a relationship. Relationship fraud is just as bad, just as hurtful, and just as damaging as financial fraud.
Article Overview
This is a great article today from Psychology Today about how fraud in the relationship side can be hidden. Eleven ways people hide infidelity. Now, this is an oversimplified version. We’re going to go through a few of these and we’ll talk more in detail about some of the more advanced techniques of hiding fraud and also discovering fraud because that’s really what you want to do. You want to discover the fraud, and as an agency that does investigations, discovering the fraud is really what the clients want.
Discreet Behavior
Number one is the person is discreet. Well, obviously, duh, that’s a no-brainer. You’re not going to be with your other cheating partner out in the open, so they’re discreet. They meet in remote places, meet in isolated places, meet where they’re not known. Yeah, you’re not going to bring your mistress to the family reunion. It’s stupid, right? So discreet is important, but what does that mean for discovering it? If they’re meeting in remote places, how do you find that out? If they’re meeting in isolated places, how do you find that out?
Believable Excuses
You have believable excuses. Well, that’s one thing you can find out. If the person’s giving you an excuse where they are, verify it. If the person is meeting when they’re away traveling or at work, verify it. One of the things that cheating always is is a crime of opportunity. A person who has another parallel relationship besides their primary relationship, whether it’s a marriage or just connected with somebody, the parallel relationship has to happen when there’s opportunities: when you’re away, when you’re in another place, when you’re at work, when you’re supposed to be somewhere else like at the gym. So what you want to do is look for patterns in that. Look for times when the person is always going to be away that doesn’t make sense. Are they going to work on Valentine’s Day? Are they going to work the day after Valentine’s Day? Are they going to the gym on a holiday? And then also match up the other clues with where they’re going. Are they going to the gym but are they wearing a nice shirt and they don’t come back sweaty? Are they going to work but the mileage on their car didn’t go that far or went farther? If their work is ten miles away, their car better come back with about twenty miles on it. If it comes back with a hundred miles on it, they went somewhere else. If it comes back with six miles on it, they didn’t go to work. So those are things you can match up. The same thing with digital information, things like texts and emails. If they were going to work and they didn’t get emails that they should for work, that could be a red flag.
Eliminating Digital Evidence
Number two: eliminate digital evidence. Is the other person deleting messages? If a person doesn’t have anything to hide, why would they delete messages? Messages don’t take up really any space. If the messages are being deleted or hidden, that’s a red flag.
Consistent Behavior
Keep the same behavior. This is kind of a counterintuitive thing. Some people try to keep their same routine so it doesn’t raise suspicion, but sometimes they try too hard, meaning that if they never get in a bad mood, they never get mad at you, they never argue with you, they never do things that are annoying to you, that might be a little bit overkill. Everybody has differences in their relationship. Everybody has arguments. Everybody has inconveniences. So if they don’t put their laundry in the hamper, if they don’t put the dishes in the sink and they know that that’s a problem, if all of a sudden they’re doing better at that, that might be a good thing. It might be them being attentive, but if there’s other red flags, it might be them overcompensating.
Increased Interest
Same thing with showing more interest. If all of a sudden they show more interest, if it’s genuine and sincere, that’s a good thing. If they’re warmer with you or they’re generous with you, that’s a good thing. But if it doesn’t match everything else that’s happening or they’re doing it begrudgingly or you can tell they’re annoyed by it, that might mean something.
Different Email or Phone
This is a big one: they use a different email or phone. Do they have a burner phone? Do they have a different email address? When you go on their computer, do they have another login? Do they have another social media that’s not their main social media? Do they secure their devices? Do they always lock their cell phones? Do they always hide their cell phones? See what happens with their phone when they go in the shower. If they hide their phone when they’re in the shower, they know that’s a vulnerable time because they can’t watch you with their phone. Even if you’re not somebody who snoops, if they are afraid of what you’re going to find, they might hide their phone when they’re in the shower rather than just leaving it on the table. Who cares?
Changing Passwords
Do they always change your passwords?
Cover Stories
Do they have a friend that they use for cover stories? And you can kind of verify that. Make notes of a few times when they said they’re with their friend. Don’t interrogate the friend the next day. Wait a few weeks or a month or two months. Write down the date. Write down where they said. Let’s say on June 18th they said, “I’m going hunting with Bob.” Going hunting with Bob. And then when they come back from hunting with Bob, ask how the hunting went. “Oh yeah, we got a rabbit. We got this. We didn’t see anything. I got caught in the bushes.” Whatever. And as soon as you can step away, make a note. Write some notes down about what they said. And then a month or month and a half later, talk to Bob and don’t say, “Hey Bob, did you go hunting with my husband or my boyfriend?” Just ask him, “Hey, do you still go hunting? Do you like hunting? When’s the last time you went hunting?” Just do a casual conversation to see if the story matches up. Don’t do it too suspiciously or too directly because it’ll raise a red flag.
Other People as Alibis
Then also be aware of are they having other people around that are supposedly someone they work with, someone who is their boss? And if the relationship doesn’t seem like it matches how they’re defining it, that’s a red flag. Are they too chummy? Are they too friendly? Are they too distant? If you work with somebody, you’re probably going to be friends with them, elbow them, be buddy-buddy with them. If they’re being too artificially cold and distant, that could be a red flag too.
Suspicious Times
What about the times if they’re meeting at times that are not suspicious? You want to be aware of that. Obviously, if your partner or your wife is going out at 2 in the morning, that’s going to be suspicious. If they say they’re going to a knitting group at 2 in the morning, that’s suspicious. But if they’re doing things that are at safe times or not sketchy times, you might want to double-check to see if they’re really going there. Again, check miles on vehicles. Check messages to see. Check online records of those events. If they’re going to a knitting club, look at that knitting club’s Facebook group. Do they actually have a meeting today?
Routines and Patterns
Routines are important. One of the things we like to recommend is what we call the circle back. Anytime somebody is given the opportunity to connect with their relationship partner, their affair partner, they’re going to take it because they don’t have too many. If they’re in a serious relationship with you, a marriage, living together, whatever, and they have this other person, they’re going to be looking for every chance they could get to be with that person, talk to that person, text that person, call that person. So block out some time where you give them the perception they’re going to be free. “Hey, I’m going to be at the gym today from 9 to 10. Do you need anything when I’m out? I’m going to be in the shower for the next half an hour. I’m going to be doing a workout.” And so now they know, “Okay, I can call them up. I can text them. I can go see them.” But then interrupt it with some emergency. “Oh, I started taking a shower but I forgot the soap. I forgot the shampoo. I have to get a razor.” And then pop back out. See if they’re on the phone. If they jump and drop the phone real fast, that’s a red flag. If you say you’re going to be at the gym for an hour, go to the gym. Text them from there, “Yeah, I just got here and it looks like it’s full so I might be a little longer.” You want to give them the comfort to know that you’re there. Or maybe take a picture of a dog in a car at the gym and say, “Look at this cute dog I saw.” So it’s not telling them directly you’re there, but they know you’re there. And then wait about 10 minutes and come back and say, “Oh my God, I forgot my key fob. I got locked out.” And come back home and see if they’re there. See if they’re on the phone. See if they’re on a computer. A lot of things you can do to do that. But give them the sense of comfort that they’re going to get away with something and then interrupt that to see what’s going on.
Digital Forensics
Those are a few things we can suggest. When it comes to digital stuff, we have some information about getting data from internet sources, from modems, from routers, from digital devices. You can click the link below. We can do some consultation with you. We can do digital forensics if that’s needed. If it’s beyond something you can do yourself, we’d be glad to have that conversation.
