I am Dave Pelligrinelli a certified conflict mediator certified in Civil Court mediation and Family Court mediation, Seeing disputes resolved and fights handled is something we look at every single day. And here’s the thing: conflicts are a part of life. It may seem like more conflicts happen within a marriage; however, that’s only because you spend more time with your life partner—your spouse, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, whatever it is. Because of that, you spend more time and log more hours, and that could generate more conflict.

Understanding the Nature of Conflicts
Plus, you get more interpersonally associated with that person. So how do you avoid or resolve conflicts within a marriage? Well, it’s the same way you do it in any other conflict. Here’s the thing: in almost every conflict or dispute, there’s already 90% agreement on most of the things that are in play. The things that are not resolved most of the time don’t have too big of a difference. They’re just some spite, some pride, or some principle that one or both people have where they don’t want to give in.

Personal Independence in Conflicts
They don’t want to give in not so much because of that reason or that factor or that disputable argument. It has to do with their own personal sense of independence—they feel like they’ve already given in too much. So how do you handle that? Well, this article talks about house rules of a marriage, which some of it has to do with other things besides conflict.

Foundational Aspects of Relationships
You know, first floor—you know, having fondness for the other person. Basically, do you like the other person? Because if you don’t like the other person, it doesn’t matter anyway; you probably wouldn’t have a relationship. Turning towards, meaning that you’re interested in focusing on the person—that’s all great. Positive perspective, that’s good too. As soon as you become negative and demoralized, that’s going to put a damper on things. But here’s the thing: managing conflict. Conflict is inevitable. How you manage it determines the future of the relationship.

Listening to Understand
Both partners should approach disagreements as a team. They want to get to the solution, not just prove themselves right. That comes from first listening to the other person. You don’t have to agree with them. Most people think that listening to the other person means you have to agree. You don’t. Just listen. It’s hard to listen because sometimes, if you’re listening and not objecting to the other person’s point of view, you might think you’re implying agreement.

Allowing Space for Venting
That’s hard because if you let it go too long, some people think, “Well, if I didn’t object to it, I didn’t dispute it. I’m actually acknowledging that it might be true.” But if you listen, many times when we deal with a couple, two people, or even two companies in dispute—whether in mediation or conflict resolution—all the other person wants to do is just get it off their chest. They just want to say it. Sometimes, once they say it, they say what their complaint is, what their problem is, they don’t even need the other person to agree anymore. They just got a chance to vent.

The Importance of Being Heard
Think about it yourself. One of the biggest complaints in a relationship is, “I just want to be heard. I just want somebody to listen to me.” Or, in a legal case, “I just want my day in court.” Right? How many times have you heard, “I just want my day in court”? They didn’t say they want to win in court. They just want their day in court. That means they want to say what’s on their mind without anybody shutting them down.

Giving Space to Speak
The hardest thing you can do, but the easiest thing at the same time, is letting them speak their mind. Many times, a way you can start is to say exactly that: “Look, I know you have a lot to say about this subject. I know that sometimes people don’t like to listen to you. Here’s what I want you to do. Say what it is you think without any interruption. Say the things you normally don’t have an outlet for. Speak your mind. Monologue. Uninterrupted. Ready, go.”

Showing Gratitude for Their Perspective
Let that person run off at the mouth. No matter what they say, even if they give you suggestions like, “You should do this, you should do that,” at the end of that, all you should do is say, “Thank you. Thank you for telling me all that.” You can also say, “I’m not necessarily sure I agree with everything, but I did want to hear it.” It’s a gift from them to you—to know what’s on their mind.

Processing and Responding Later
Even if you have different opinions or want to influence the person to think differently, don’t do it right then. Say, “I just want to absorb that. I want to think about what you said. I want to really appreciate your thoughts. Then we’ll talk about it again later.” That way, you’re not shutting them down or proving them wrong right after they shared.

Building Trust Through Listening
It’s hard because you have to sit there and take it. Everything they say might be painful to hear—some of it because it’s true, some because you don’t want to deal with it. But it’s like a magic trick: if you want great relationships, personal or business, let the person speak their mind. Later, revisit it and say, “Here, you mentioned this. Tell me more about that.” Make it about them.